My life feels like a constant climax that never seems to reach its conclusion, the scene never ends and the closer I get to my goals the farther they seem to be. Every step I climb turns the next ten steps visible.
And then I have been stumbling upon my own careless distraction and starting to believe the universe is against me all of a sudden. Isn't it amazing how far we can get once we run as fast as we can while blinded by our own obsessions?
I feel like a Indian godly creature with a dozen arms all trying to make ends meet. If everything is truly meaningless, how can such meaninglessness feel so overwhelmingly heavy a weight?
Can it be possibly true that with my smile alone I can get through all this? The lack of Sun added to questioning my own raison d'être leads me to scratching my brain raw, how come? How come I cannot just sit still and watch life flows by like I am watching a river stream?
I wish I could slow down or actually stop the stream, yet it only runs ever faster, I am scared. I don't want time to pass me by so quickly, I don't want it all to flash before my eyes and escape like sand coming down the hole of an hourglass.
I pray for deliverance from my own stupidity and self-loathing perfectionism.
but I can't sleep on this tonight
stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I don't know how else to say it
I don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
from fighting life out on my own"
Ich suche vergebens - I hopelessly search
Wohin ich mich wende - somewhere I can head to
Und der zug fahrt weiter - yet the train goes farther
Ohne ziel, ohne ende - no destination, no ending
Doch ich will leben, leben, leben - and so I want to live, to live, to live
Schön ist die liebe - love is beautiful